Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
