I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
