Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
