you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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