We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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