Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have aggressive nipples.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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