Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
