Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize