Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
