drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
