Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
