my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
