if you like me you must not know who I am
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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