My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
that may or may not have been my penis.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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