I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize