The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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