Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
