If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
