And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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