vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
