so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
