I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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