C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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