I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
