how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
