Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Randomize
