I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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