I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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