i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
