My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
