She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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