Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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