I'm eating all of the evidence.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
