All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
