dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
