it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
