i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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