If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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