Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
