I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
