It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
ok first of all what the fuck
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