Well douche your snatch and let's go!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
