It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think your dad took our porno
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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