I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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