a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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