I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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