last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
