I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
