my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have fence marks all over my body
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
