a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
