you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
