i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Bring me that man meat
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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