If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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