this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
