im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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