watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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